The Great Mystery of Sex
by Wends
Summary: The true title, 'The Great Mystery of Sex [or] Neh, Heechan! Where do I stick this thing' explain everything. [DH, rated for detailed yaoi content, horrible humor and scared puppies.]


Disclaimer: I in no way own Gundam W. Don't sue; I'm simply an E-5 in the USN, therefore I have no money. Ha.

Also, this fic was written as part of a terrible little challenge. Yep, it's right up there with my tripe fics. (holds her achin' skull) Don't blame me. Blame insomnia and ownership of Gundam W dojinshi and DVDs.

_-BEGIN FIC-_

"I want to jump your bones because I love you more than grilled rations."

Duo arched a brow. _That was weird. Definitely weird. Way beyond weird. But hey, coming from Heero, what else is to be expected?_

Suddenly, realization of what Heero meant smacked against the braided pilot's skull like a wet fish hurled from a speeding Dodge Viper.

_Woah shit! Did he just say he wants to screw me!_

Duo damned near drooled on himself as his mind said _Yes, the pilot of your dreams just said he wants to take you for the ultimate of joyrides!_ "Neh, Heero," he started, really, REALLY wanting confirmation of his suspicions, "you mean to tell me that you want to fuck me silly?"

Heero nodded.

_WHOO HOO! Finally, a 1x2 lemon from Wends!_

(author steps in. "Duo, let's keep this IC please.")

"Oh, sorry," he said, flashing a devilishly handsome grin before returning to the fic in progress.

"Um? so?" Duo attempted to begin.

Heero simply stared at him.

"Well, do something already, would you!" the Deathscythe pilot snarled in frustration, waving his arms around.

"What?"

Duo promptly passed out, having given himself a concussion by whacking his head against the nearby brick wall.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Awaking hours later, Duo found himself upon his bed.

The conversation he'd had with Heero was still running around in his head.

_"Neh, Heero, you mean to tell me that you want to fuck me silly?"_

_Heero nodded._

With a silly grin on his face, he giggled softly, stoutly ignoring the pain caused by chortling with a concussion.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Hours later, Quatre found Duo digging through his closet, staring at multitudes of identical black shirts.

Quatre was about to say something when Duo yelled, "AHA!" and snatched one of the garments from the closet. Throwing it on, the braided boy twirled once before the mirror, and grinned.

_To think that this is what I'm going to wear on my last night as a virgin,_ Duo's brain happily simpered.

Quatre balked and slowly backed out of the room. Leaning against the wall of the hallway, he breathed deeply to compose himself, his hand clenched over his heart.

Sometimes being a psychic newtype was truly a pain in the ass.

He really didn't need to hear that.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Heero, meanwhile, was making his own preparations.

"Duo will be conscious tonight. I will proceed with maneuvers then."

Nodding, he smirked, continuing his research.

A knock on the door interrupted him.

"Yes?" Heero grunted.

Quatre opened the door, grinned, and threw a tube of... something... His way. "You'll be needing that."

Heero looked down.

Cherry flavored KY.

Raising his gaze, he nodded. "Arigato, Quatre."

"Welcome!" the blond said with a perky grin before closing the door.

Heero returned his eyes to the Kama Sutra.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Later that night, in a secluded room in a secluded inn on a secluded hill in a secluded town by a secluded beach off a secluded highway and so on and so forth, a pair of teenage boys wrapped their arms around one another and stared into each other's eyes.

After the collective "awes" from the audience, they proceeded to hungrily smash their lips upon one another's mouths.

Duo groaned happily, opening his mouth to let his eager tongue snake out between his lips. He found that Heero'd done the same, and thus, taking the initiative, plunged his wet muscle into the other boy's gaping cavity. Tongues caressing and wrestling, they ran their hands eagerly over one another's bodies. The sounds of clothing being ripped apart filled the room, as did the kerthwap of bodies meeting the bed and the ridiculous grunting that came from being engaged in a deep French kiss and attempting to wiggle out of spandex and riding pants at the same time.

Soon enough, the pair of boys were laying completely butt-naked on the bed, arms still wrapped around one another, legs now wrapped around one another, rubbing their new-found erections together as they attempted to tickle one another's tonsils.

Soon Duo was flailing with his arms desperately.

"Nani?" Heero grunted, releasing the boy.

Gasp, gasp. "Air!" Gasp, gasp.

"Sorry."

"I'm OK."

"Where were we?"

"Right about here."

Heero was hardly ready when Duo attacked him with yet another passionate kiss.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Soon enough they were tired of kissing, so they moved on to looking at one another.

_Hey, he's bigger than me,_ Duo's brain thought remorsefully.

_Average Caucasian male for his age group, according to all studies, _Heero's brain surmised as he stared at Duo.

_How does he fit all that into those fucking spandex shorts?_

_He does not necessitate the room of his riding pants like he was boasting last week._

_And he's got more muscles,_ Duo's mind sighed.

_He needs to do more push-ups. Maybe sit-ups as well. I will start him on a regular exercise regimen when we return to HQ._

_I wanna see how hard those pecs are._

_Why is he touching my chest?_

_God DAMN! What, is this boy carved outta stone or something? No WONDER he doesn't wear a bullet proof vest. He doesn't need one! Fucking slugs probably just bounce off!_

_Mmmm... I like him caressing my nipple... feels nice._ "Do that some more."

"Nani?" Duo asked, arching a brow.

Reaching over, Heero lightly laid his hand upon Duo's chest, mimicking the braided boy's position upon his own body, and gently ran his thumb over his nipple.

Duo groaned, biting his lip.

"If you keep doing that, I'll keep doing this."

"Ninmu ryuoukai."

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Duo was attempting not to sob in ecstasy.

He'd thought that having Heero biting on his nipples would hurt.

At the moment, he was being proved pleasantly wrong.

Reaching down, he lightly squeezed the Wing pilot's rear, slowly snaking a finger between the boy's cheeks, delighting in the warmth he found there.

He groaned, biting his lip, as Heero squeezed his throbbing cock.

Bucking with his hips, he tried to push his heated rod through the ring created by his partner's fingers, but found with dismay that he couldn't - the boy was squeezing him to firmly for him to move.

"Dammit!" Duo growled, bucking again.

Heero arched a brow, and grinned.

The book was thus far correct in its summarization of reactions to particular stimuli_. I must investigate this further,_ his brain cackled.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Duo hissed softly as he felt a long, slender finger slowly slide into his warm, waiting ass.

He was currently positioned on his knees, legs splayed widely, his face buried into a pillow he was cradling on his forearms. This, of course, left his unprotected rear sticking high in the air, his butt-cheeks spread. Sufficient to say, he'd never felt quite so vulnerable in his entire life.

And now he had a finger up his ass.

_How the fuck did I end up like this? Heh? Heero says "I want to try something, Duo," so I say "Fine by me," like some stupid fucking moron? ungh?_

Squirming, he groaned, his muscles clenching around the long digit, trying to either a) force it out, or b) get comfortable with it invading him.

He found that option B was happening a helluva lot more quickly than A.

It wasn't so very bad...

That was, until the second slipped into him. Then the third.

Hissing, Duo clenched his buttocks as closed as he could without moving his knees. "Dammit, Heero, what're you planning? Shoving your entire fist up my ass or something!"

"Iya."

"Then WHAT?"

"Stretching you."

Duo gulped.

"I can't accomplish this unless you relax, Duo."

"Fine, fine, fine?" he muttered. "I'd like to see YOU try to relax with half a hand playin' in your pooper."

"Maybe after I'm finished with you, we can give that a go."

_WOAH shit!_ went Duo's brain.

He barely registered finger number four.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Bracing himself, Duo wiggled his butt.

It felt really weird having something wet and slimy pressing between his butt-cheeks.

It felt even weirder to have something trickling down his crack.

Heero's hands were firmly on his hips, holding him in place as he pressed against the not-quite-as-tight-as-it-was-five-minutes-ago rosebud ring that was Duo's entrance.

The Deathscythe pilot hissed as he felt his muscles give way to the attack of the pressing object.

_FUCK! Feels like I've got a damned redwood log being crammed up my ass! _his brain wailed as he bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut.

Said redwood log continued slowly easing into his body, its journey made plausible only by a healthy coating of that wonderfully scented slimy gel both Duo and Heero felt they were going to come to know and love.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Moments later, Duo's world was filled with beautiful shiny white stars that paraded around his head bearing signs stating "Duo likes it!" with the Star Spangled Banner playing noisily in the background.

Heero had just managed to find the perfect angle to hit, and was now humping against him like a rabid, hyper-active rabbit, right hand squeezing his cock, left hand gripping his hip to keep him steady.

Panting, Duo arched his back, listening to Heero's rapid breathing and desperate grunting as he plunged his surprisingly engorged cock in and out of the tight passage that was his partner in all things warfare and beyond, taking pleasure not only in the insatiable pleasure that was being given to him but in the erotic sounds and smells that were emanating from the two of them in the heat of their passion.

Suddenly, it all stopped.

Duo's head crashed onto his pillow and he sobbed in frustration, his aching and engorged cock wiggling before him, abandoned and alone. Squeezing the muscles of his bowels, he whimpered, feeling that thick, hot penis still buried in him. Wiggling his hips and worming back and forth, attempting to slide himself along the shaft that invaded him, Duo bit his lips. "What the fuck are you stopping for!"

"I want to try another angle."

Duo's eyes twitched as he heard the distinct rustle of pages being flipped.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Heero laid bound and gagged to the bed.

His hands were tied above his head, held by 1 inch diameter rope to the headboard. The remains of his tank top were crammed into his mouth. A thick length of rope wrapped around his middle, snaking all the way around the bed, effectively holding him down while leaving his legs free.

Duo, meanwhile, was sitting on the edge of the bed, flipping through the Kama Sutra, smirking.

"Vengeance shall me mine. Leave me hanging three times in a row, will you? Heh heh heh?"

Heero visibly sweated as his lover continued his insane cackling while returning his attention to the manual.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Loud screams, cries and moans emanated from the secluded inn, frightening a poor puppy dog that was just attempting to mark its territory.

---)))000(((---)))000(((---)))000(((---

Sun broke through the windows like a baseball through a car windshield, illuminating the two lovers as they laid entwined in each other's arms on top of the wrinkled bed's blankets.

"Mmm. Baka."

"Nani?" Duo whispered softly, leaning his head forward to nibble on Heero's ear.

"You're stuck."

"What?"

Heero groaned, clenching his anal muscles. "You're stuck."

"Fuck!" Duo wiggled and found that, yes, with no remaining lubrication, one helluvan erection caused by an interrupted wet dream and Heero having relaxed his muscles and thus allowed them to shrink back to their original, non-stretched position as he slept, he was indeed stuck.

"I told you it was a bad idea to not pull out last night."

"Gkkk?"

_-end-_

_(sweatdrops) Thank God._


End file.
